george carlin full stand up you are all diseased
HSIOW… Holy Shit, It’s Only Wednesday. Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Hghhh. Stop pretending to be black! Enjoy y'all. What about a riddle? I stand right in the guy’s path, force him to walk around me, gets a little past me, I spin him around, kick him in the nuts, rip off the shirt, wipe it on my ass, and shove it down his fucking throat! And never mind ordinary germs, what are you gonna do when some super virus comes along that turns your vital organs into liquid shit? Shit! Tops, TOPS, 2-3 times a week tops! And at that time, the big fear was polio; thousands of kids died from polio every year but you know something? Released 14 May 1999 on Eardrum (catalog no. So if, if there is a God, if there is, I think most reasonable people might agree that he’s at least incompetent and maybe, just maybe doesn’t give a shit. Well I’m just looking for a little honesty in these names. âYou Are All Diseasedâ is a new collection of Carlin comedy never before seen on home video. Simple as that! Nipples and Dicks! It’s all you hear in this country… children, “help the children!” “what about the children?” “save the children!” You know what I say? And the proof of it is they don’t even trust each other! Full Cast & Crew. and less focused than his other live sets; the crowd also appear more intrusive and hostile than usual, which may potentially be colouring their host. Stay with me on this, the sooner you face it, the better off you’re gonna be. Nothing happened! Budweiser would jump at that shit in half a minute… and guys would volunteer, guys would line up, all you gotta do is promise them a small appliance of some kind. That’s the trouble with zombies; they’re unreliable. He and Martha Stewart and Florence Henderson came over to the house last night, fixed me a lovely Lobster Newburg, gave me a full body massage with sacred oils from India, performed a four-way around the world, and then they packed my bags. I think the very idea that you could set off a bomb in a marketplace and kill several hundred people is exciting and stimulating and I see it as a form of entertainment! Stand-up comedianâs George Carlin You Are All Diseased video is filled with acerbic throws at religion, our fear of germs, cigar smokers, businessmen, macho men, and other choice subject areas. Has everybody lost their fucking mind in this country? George Carlin: You Are All Diseased. What are you gonna do? Wasn’t that good? Listen, there are a couple of things about kids that you have to remember. Guns in church. Yeah… but I also know that most Americans are soft and frightened and unimaginative and they don’t realize there’s such a thing as dangerous fun. Doesn’t anybody believe in goblins? Everybody’s okay! Then there’s “Little Red Riding Hood”, although it does have that X-rated part where the Big, Bad Wolf actually eats the grandmother, which I didn’t care for by the way. Legendary comedian Carlin comes back to angrily rant about airport security, germs, cigars, angels, children and parents, men, names, religion, god, advertising, Bill Jeff and minorities. It’s for killing germs! Huh? Cause we swam in raw sewage! Asking- trillions and trillions of prayers every day, asking and pleading and begging for favours, do this, give me that, I need a new car, want a better job, and most of this praying takes place on Sunday… his day off. “I should’ve never played the game, I should’ve fucked oh ‘whatshername’”. Huh? You Are All Diseased is the 16th album and 11th HBO live broadcast stand-up special by comedian George Carlin, recorded on February 6, 1999 at the Beacon Theater in New York City. No, no, just go in, have a cocktail… or a high-ball. You have to be a realist; you have to be realistic about terrorism. Let me tell you a true story about immunization okay? Even if I’m at a sidewalk café! George Carlin has been a long time favorite of mine. Survival of the fittest? You need a little danger in your life. But as they say in the U.S. Navy, “there is no wrong hole”. George Carlin in the News:. Big Brotherâs Not Coming⦠Heâs Here. Whoever coined the phrase “let the buyer beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole. So I worship the sun but… I don’t pray to the sun. And you know how often that happens? Because the American people like their bullshit right out front where they can get a good strong whiff of it! That’s business. He was the first-ever host of NBC's Saturday Night Live, and has starred in 14 of his own HBO specials. (Just so you get a glimpse of my taste: I'm also a huge admirer of Steven Wright, Peter Cook and the Monty Python team.) Yeah, I think they’re running out of topics on those shows too. By the way, if you should have any cognitive dissonance about the fact that I do commercials for 10-10-220 and still attack advertising up here, well, you’re just gonna have to figure that shit out on your own okay? Here’s another bunch of ignorant shit… school uniforms. And speaking of tough guys, I’m getting a little tired of hearing that after 6 policemen get arrested for shoving a floor lamp up some black guy’s ass and ripping his intestines out, the police department announces they’re gonna have sensitivity training. You know why? The Crotch-e-teria! They whip out their weapons; they wax the motherfucker and deposit the unlucky fellow directly into my colon! Best name for a motel would be “The Fuck n’ Smoke n’ Sleep n’ Roll Over and Get Out of Bed and Wash Your Crotch and Grab a Bite, Two Cans of Mr. Pip and Go Home and Fuck a Whole Lot More” cause that’s all they have left in those soda machines on Sunday night, Mr. Pip and Diet Chaster Orange… and that yellow can of Canada Dry Tonic Water that nobody wants! That’s what I do when I see that shirt. Results like these don’t belong on the résumé of a supreme being. - this is still intermittently amusing, but far angrier (the casual drop of the c-word is a thunderclap moment!) Here’s another guy thing that sucks… these t-shirts that say “Lead, follow, or get out of the way!” You ever see that? Bicycle, skateboard, baseball helmets! And you could see their point; wouldn’t want some guy to go to hell and be sick! Theoretically, you could take… a knife, an ice pick, a hatchet, a straight razor, a pair of scissors, a chainsaw, 6 knitting needles, and a broken whiskey bottle, and the only thing they’re gonna say to you is “that bag has to fit all the way under the seat in front of you.” And if you didn’t take the weapon on board, relax; after you’ve been flying for about an hour, they’re gonna bring you a knife and fork. And I know what you’re thinking, you say “Jesus, he’s not gonna attack children is he?” Yes he is! So to get around a lot of this, I decided to worship the sun but, as I said, I don’t pray to the sun. "This footage is copyrighted and is uploaded to YouTube for educational purposes. Now here’s another example of overprotection. It strengthened our immune systems! And hey, and hey, what would a Willie Nelson show be without a couple of cowboy songs? Well I’m an old fashioned guy. Happens to be black? And by the way, I say “this guy” because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man; no woman could or would ever fuck things up like this! (2008). Fuck ‘em! In this extended cut of his 2018 special, Chris Rock takes the stage for a special filled with searing observations on fatherhood, infidelity and politics. George Carlin: You Are All Diseased. Isn’t there anyone else in this fading Republic who knows what a snapper is? You take about 100,000 of these disgusting pricks and you throw them in a big dirt arena, big 25-acre dirt arena and you just let them beat the shit out of each other for 24 hours nonstop, no food, no water, just whiskey and PCP! Joe Pesci doesn’t fuck around. The You Are All Diseased presents stand-up comedian George Carlin at his best. He continued to perform to sold-out audiences at venues across the country up until his death in 2008. You Are All Diseased (Audio Only) Enjoy!. Huh? So light up suspender man, and suck that smoke deep down into your empty suit and blow it out your ass you fucking cocksucker! Did you ever notice on the TV news every time some guy with an AK-47 strolls onto a school yard and kills 3 or 4 kids and a couple of teachers, the next day, the next day, the school is overrun with counsellors and psychiatrists and grief counsellors and trauma therapists trying to help the children cope? Clinton showed his dick to a government clerk. Bill Jeff, Bill Jeff, Bill Jeff, Clinton… I don’t call him “Clinton”, I call him “Clit-tin”… “Clit-tin… C-L-I-T… T-I-N apostrophe!” His big deal was JFK, isn’t that right? But you know, “weed whacker”, you can understand! Two reasons… first of all, I think he’s a good actor okay? Now this is called “Advertising Lullaby”, keeping in mind of course that the whole purpose of advertising is to lull you to sleep. And you’d be anxious and depressed too if you had to put up with these pathetic, insecure, striving, anal, yuppy parents who enrol you in college before you’re old enough to know which side of the playpen smells the worst! This release documents a 1999 special by the comic entitled You Are All Diseased. Let me ask you how’s everybody doing tonight huh? Now this next thing is about names, that’s all, names. âYou Are All Diseasedâ is a live broadcast stand-up special with legendary comedian George Carlin recorded on February 6, 1999 at the Beacon Theater in New York City. So when my white blood cells are on patrol recon ordering my blood stream seeking out strangers and other undesirables, if they see any, ANY suspicious looking germs of any kind, they don’t fuck around! When I shit on them! There are a lot of loser kids out there who simply aren’t going anywhere and you can’t save them all, you can’t save them all, you gotta let them go, you gotta cut them loose, you gotta stop overprotecting them cause you’re making them too soft. Remember that? Well hey skeezics, you ain’t cool, you’re fucking chilli and chilli ain’t never been cool. That’s gonna be a lot of fun and it’ll happen, you watch, some nut will go fucking ape-shit in a church and they’ll refer to him as a “disgruntled worshipper.”. George Carlin: You Are All Diseased ; Where to watch JustWatch. Free admission, free appraisal, free alterations, free delivery, free estimates, free home trial, and free parking. The part I like the best, “all the king’s horses and all the king’s men, couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again”. Unlike some other Gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow, just can’t handle money! And here’s something else, another problem you might have… suppose your prayers aren’t answered, what do you say? Why I think not. What’s the use of being God if every run-down schmuck with a $2 prayer book can come along and fuck up your plan? I think you’d have to. You know why I like that song so much? The illusion, the feeling and illusion of safety cause the authorities know they can’t make an airplane completely safe; too many people have access. But in the bullshit department, in the bullshit department, a businessman can’t hold a candle to a clergyman… cause I gotta tell you the truth folks, I gotta tell you the truth. And speaking of my colon, I want you to know I don’t automatically wash my hands every time I go to the bathroom okay? This is my idea for one of those big outdoor summer festivals. You know what I think it is? And by the way, speaking of cattle-fucking, do you know why it is when a rancher fucks a sheep, he does so at the edge of a cliff? They know he’s not a security risk because he’s already answered the three big questions. What we have now is a completely neurotic population obsessed with security and safety and crime and drugs and cleanliness and hygiene and germs… there’s another thing… germs. So I’ve been praying to Joe for about a year now, and I noticed something. Here’s a fine love song, “You Blew My Mind, Now Blow Me”. It’s pathetic! You know? You smell like an anchovy’s cunt okay? He dropped like a fucking rock. The internet (and soon to be movie, TV, radio, etc.) And just between you and me, between you and me, in any decently run universe, this guy would have been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago. Now that is what’s known as being stunningly and embarrassingly full of shit. Today’s kids are way too soft. When is this shit gonna go away? Here’s another male cliché… these guys that cut the sleeves off of their t-shirts so the rest of us can have an even more compelling experience of smelling their armpits. Seems like a big waste of time to me! Remember that? He loves you and he NEEDS MONEY! This is not good work. To me, that counts. Here’s another question I’ve been pondering… what is all this shit about angels? Whatever happened to “you show me your wee-wee and I’ll show you mine?” Hey, no wonder kids smoke; it helps… not as much as weed but hey, you can’t have everything. Question number 1: “Did you pack your bags yourself?” … … No. Brutally honest Carlin. And that was interesting, I thought, cause she had on the high heels and the long dress, and it was fun to watch how she had to maneuver through the poison sumac, and they didn’t have toilet paper in those days, she had to use a series of pinecones, and she was pulling them in the wrong direction! TGI Fridays! John Wayne Gacy loved his children… kept them all right out on the yard near the garage. That’s all it is. There’s no nonsense, there’s no Miranda warning, there’s none of that “three strikes and you’re out” shit, first defense, BAM… into the colon you go! Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Here’s another horrifying example, an aspect of American culture, the-the pussification, the continued… the continued pussification of the American male in the form of Harley Davidson theme restaurants. Yeah! Armpits, asshole, crotch, and teeth. I have always been willing to put myself at great personal risk for the sake of entertainment and I’ve always been willing to put you at great personal risk for the same reason. Thank you all very much! Hey listen, that’s all these marines are looking for… a good time. Usually, the night before I travel, just as the moon is rising, I place my suitcases out on the street corner and leave them there unattended for several hours… just for good luck. That’s all it ever was… a big brown dick! The polio never had a prayer; we were tempered in raw shit! Dolle tried to hide it didn’t he? See? Huh? “Has any unknown person asked you to take anything on board?” Hmm… well what exactly is an “unknown person”? George Denis Patrick Carlin (born May 12, 1937) is a Grammy-winning American stand-up comedian, actor, and author. I think people would drink a lot more liquor if they thought it was Wednesday all the time. Joe Pesci. It’s all very confusing. All right? This entire country, this entire country is completely full of shit and always has been from the Declaration of Independence to the Constitution of the Star Spangled Banner, it’s still nothing more than one big, steaming pile of red, white and blue, all-American bullshit because think of how we started… think of that. I tried to believe that there is a God who created each of us in his own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things, I really tried to believe that but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize something is fucked up. No cash? But I want you to know something, this is sincere, I want you to know when it comes to believing in God, I really tried, I really, really tried. “Lead, follow, or get out of the way!” You know what I do when I see that shirt? Now a lot of these company names and product names are influenced by marketing and advertising people and this next thing is about advertising. This was a small group of unelected white male, land-holding, slave owners who also suggested their class be the only one allowed to vote. What did Clinton say? The whole thing is fucking pointless! Take a fucking chance… bunch of goddamn pussies! This is just a series of things that are pissing me off. George Carlin has had a long, mutually beneficial relationship with the cable company HBO. A series of things that are pissing me off cause I don’t have pet peeves, I have major psychotic fucking hatreds. I think if white people are gonna burn down black churches, then black people ought to burn down the House of Blues! Cause you do know folks, living in this country, you’re bound to know that every time you’re exposed to advertising, you realize once again, that America’s leading industry, America’s most profitable business is still the manufacture, packaging, distribution, and marketing of bullshit… high quality, grade-A, prime cut, pure American bullshit, and the sad part is is that most people seem to been indoctrinated to believe that bullshit only comes from certain places, certain sources; advertising, politics, salesmen… not true, bullshit is everywhere, bullshit is rampant, parents are full of shit, teachers are full of shit, clergymen are full of shit, and law enforcement people are full of shit. So I say relax and enjoy the show. He always needs money! Details about George Carlin - You Are All Diseased Atlantic CD VG++ COMEDY/STAND UP. Fuck ‘em! So every day, I can see the sun as it gives me everything I need… heat, light, food, flowers in the park, reflections on the lake… and occasional skin cancer but hey, at least there are no crucifixions and we’re not setting people on fire simply because they don’t agree with us. When it comes to bullshit, big time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe, in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims… religion. If you wanna know how you can help your children, leave them the fuck alone! “Kiss me, I’m coming. Stick to your faggoty polkas and waltzes and that repulsive country line-dancing shit that you do and be yourself, be proud, be white, be lame, and get the fuck off the dance floor! Actually “Fuck n’ Sleep” would be a little more accurate wouldn’t it? Your email address will not be published. I have a friend who happens to be black.” Like it’s a fucking accident you know? His parents split up when he was an infant because his father was reportedly an alcoholic. Take a fucking chance once in a while will you? No one would know what to do! He said “Hi folks! George Carlin: You Are All Diseased ( 105 ) IMDb 8.6 1 h 3 min 2003 18+ The hilarious routines include "Airport Security," "Fear of Germs," " Businessmen," and "Religion." I’m glad you feel the same way. When is this gonna end? Okay? Genre: Comedy, Documentary. Besides, even if they made all of the airplanes completely safe, the terrorists would simply start bombing other places that are crowded; porn shops, crack houses, titty bars, and gangbangs. Carlin fires away at such favorite targets as religion, airport security, and the ridiculousness of American culture. Think about it… religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day, and the invisible man has a special list of 10 things he does not want you to do! You know it’s true; parents are burning these kids out on structure. George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 - June 23, 2008) was a Grammy ⦠Photos of Childrenâs School Lunches Across the World, This is How You Can Have A Perfect Kiss With These 4 Steps, Two Cows Explain The World Economy Better Than Any Professor, George Carlin â You Are All Diseased â Legendado, Strong minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, weak minds discuss people. Haven’t found one bomb in one bag! Well, you don’t wanna leave anybody out, you know what I mean? Now they’re gonna get them to look alike too? Tired of this shit. Play with your prick for another 30 years? Surely, everyone is known to someone. You know when I wash my hands? Then you put the whole thing on TV. Where did this sudden fear of germs come from in this country? Hazardous toys, shit, whatever happened to natural selection? Well sometimes it’s a big brown dick… with a fat, arrogant, white-collared, business-criminal asshole sucking on the wet end of it! Exercises That Will Make You Burn Belly Fat Without Having To Jog or Run. “The Sleep n’ Fuck” motel; get me one of them big neon signs, “Sleep… Fuck… Sleep n’ Fuck!” You put it right at the Jersey entrance to the Holland tunnel you know? Men will do anything, just give them something that plugs in the wall and makes a whirring noise. Oh and by the way, an airplane flight shouldn’t be completely safe. TGI Fridays, if I had a place like that, you know what I’d call it? Haven’t found anything yet! Stand up comedian george Carlin performing his show - You Are All Diseased (1999) George Carlin, a man ahead of his time - Full shows only - From the fans for the fans. When I was a little boy in New York City in the 1940s, we swam in the Hudson River and it was filled with raw sewage okay? Now, something a little more positive for you, don’t want you to think the whole show is just negativity. There’s no mysteries, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don’t have a special building where we all gather once a week to compare clothing. Certain groups of people… certain groups – Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montana – are gonna continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time. Sun worship is fairly simple. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with. And they certainly don’t recognize a good show when they see one! Yeah, you can’t joke about a bomb. Take a fucking chance will you? RIP George! So personally, I never take any special precautions against germs. Doesn’t that seem a little arrogant? 1999 Directed by Rocco Urbisci. This country was founded by a group of slave owners who told us “all men are created equal”. Angels… shit! And if you act now, we’ll include an extra added, free, complementary, bonus gift, a classic, deluxe, custom, designer, luxury, prestige, high quality, premium select, gourmet combination key ring, magnifying glass, and garden hose, in a genuine, imitation, leather-style, carrying case with authentic vinyl trim… yours for the asking, no purchase necessary, it’s our way of saying “thank you”. He is angry, frank and fearless as he used us. And I say fine, pray for anything you want, pray for anything but what about the divine plan? Here’s a sad song “I Should’ve Fucked Oh ‘Whatshername’”. Besides, what do you think you have an immune system for? Gone was the cartoonish energy, replaced with anger under the guise of having fun. But why is it just jokes? Like a rock. Happened like that , overnight, I became a sun worshipper… well, not overnight, you can’t see the sun at night, the first thing the next morning, I became a sun worshipper.
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